Have You Ever Asked Me?
You gave me sunlight. I needed rain.
You gave me peonies. I needed trees.
You gave the moon. I needed stars.
You gave me fire. I needed air.
You gave me you. I needed me.
How It Should Feel Like
Relationships I know aren’t easy. But it shouldn’t be that hard.
It should feel like fur slippers. It shouldn’t feel heavy and bulky and uncomfortable. We are not up for hiking, people.
We mostly just want to feel home.
Stay With Me
You’ve no idea how many times Sam and I have attempted to break up. It felt like half of those two years spent together were all about that. We would sit on our bedroom once we have composed from anger and we would talk about how we would divide the money in our savings account and how we would organize the kitchenware in separate boxes and then we would contemplate on who gets to keep the cozy blanket.
Funny but true. It ain’t easy.
Much like closing this blog.
You have invested so much and that includes the future- which ironically has not taken place yet.
But then again, every time you want to give up, you think:
There is something still workable here.
Half-Goodbye, Half-Hello…
I have this Love-Hate Relationship with this blog site (just like my relationship with Sam. We fight. We make up. And then again.) So I’ve been recently trying to make up my mind whether to shut this site completely and replace it with a new one or just keep it as it is while I build the other. I’ve been wanting to post real photos that Sam and I have taken but because I felt like I have revealed so much stuff in this blog, I felt like I’m somehow jeopardizing Sam’s image, exposing him on public.
Nowhere
Cyan – a very handsome young french speaking bachelor at work told me. “Hey Jen you looked so relaxed today.”
Like could there be more irony to that? I am still combating the same thoughts I had from the day this blog had started. Nothing has changed really. Still old me crying in the bathroom once in a while. (Although I have improved better now. I don’t let it spill on my office desk anymore. I keep my cool at work as much as I can.) I am still the old me reading some couple’s and relationship advice online. Still trying to question my relationship with Sam. Are we right for each other or are we so wrong we just refuse to admit it?
I am still trying my best to lift my spirits high every day, desperately trying to soar along with other people (Luckily I am surrounded by incredibly positively charged people who are so cheerful, so bubbly, so kind and so compassionate that I just walk in the office and suck whatever energies they have brought for the day. It helps.)
Everything But
Daily Prompt: Snack
I found out two days ago that I have (drum roll please)….
High Calories and that I went beyond the border of what is expected of my age.
I’m just in my thirties!
Early thirties!
It’s not like a surprise to me knowing I haven’t really practiced a complete healthy lifestyle. But I was still caught off guard in the doctor’s clinic since I had been eating plenty of vegetables and fruits stuffed to me by my very health conscious fiance.
So doctor prescribed a 3 month long medicine that will hopefully lower down my cholesterol level and told me that I should change my lifestyle – with emphasis on daily exercise.
I hit the gym yesterday and I’m still dragging my ass today. Still no luck and I am still here plucking some fast words on my keyboard hoping to eventually come up to some neat blog for the day. Just to make up for the lost days when I couldn’t seem to find TIME anymore to express my thoughts. Sam won’t be able to relate to this for sure. Does he have any idea that being in a relationship most often than not compromises your freedom to write??? I will probably talk about these women issues on men (the household duties etc and the rest of the unexpressed whining and gripe that only comes out in bold figures of pissed off ladies gathered around in the kitchen or the front yard sharing and finding extremely relatable pieces. I forecast an entire long blog dedicated to this piece soon. “Kitchen Conversations.”
Going back to my new regimen, I now have the need to get at least 30 minutes work out in whichever time of day I can be available for mild cardio. I still can’t believe that I’m underweight and still have high calories. I am not fat. (Although I have a belly bulge which I want reduced.) I guess it’s a good motivation to be fit but I would prefer that it didn’t have to happen like this. But overall everything is still under control the doctor said. Well all doctors say things like these to calm their patients. Do they?
I recently found out though that well, I have not been very cautious of what I eat. For example since liver is good for Sam’s psoriasis I have been used to wolfing on some delicious fresh liver fried on garlic, onion and broccoli. And since broccoli has been part of our main dish, I thought it would be alright. It’s VEGETABLES! IT’S A BIG THING FOR ME. Cause I grew up in a non-veggie eating family. We are hardcore meat eaters!
I didn’t realise that chicken liver is a huge source of calories! Also since I’m not fat, I thought why not two fried eggs in the morning? So I’ve also been eating egg yolk like a maniac which added to whatever unwanted fats that are now hidden somewhere in my very petite frame. Palpitation! And there goes the cakes! I constantly buy chocolate cake slices as an afternoon delight while working – not to mention the extra chocolate bars under my office desk which is reserved for a really BORING office day -which is like – everyday.
I can probably give up the pork and the fast food. In fact, maybe even coffee – which is like ending a very long wild love affair.
But please not my choco!
Chocolate is happiness.
It is life made sweeter.
It is home.
It is family.
Wait. Am I ready for this? Part I
So it’s partially my idea to move. Since I had that allergy issues along with my sleepless hours (which I now realised is irrelevant to us moving), we decided to find a new place to start fresh- get rid of the unwanted dust mites and noise pollution and most of all save a good damn money for rent. Of course, my decision always come from impulse. Like a seven year old kid whining for a field trip and later on once exhausted from a fun filled day of frolicking in the field, would want to go home badly. I imagine it would be better. Until after viewing some nasty flats that asked for more money than what it can offer.
Sam on the other hand, comes from a totally logical dead-serious decision. Once he made up his mind on something, it is most often than not irrevocable. Unless maybe I put all my energies into convincing him otherwise. But it would take a ton of my physical and emotional strength to reverse things. Now that I’m half hearted to move – it’s too late. Changing Sam’s mind now, would be like dismantling a bank vault without a tool box.
But the places we’ve visited so far – were totally all way below the league of our current flat. And I just can’t imagine myself relaxing peacefully on those places on a weekend. Somehow it’s just too painful in the eyes to even look at. But then again, if it’s for the greater good. Then why not? He promised it will be just a trial.
And besides we haven’t picked a place yet and we still have a few in the list.
Lately, I’m just having a totally weird attachment issues over this place. Sure, I hate the hookah palooza; the everyday torture of shisha. Sure, I don’t like the noise in the weekend or the television drama at night (why can’t everybody just plug in their goddamn earphones and be adults here?) Sure, I hate that nobody cleans the kitchen – regularly (but who does? We’re all busy and tired from work. I can totally understand.)
Another lesson of gratefulness for me. (It’s an all time favorite. I get the message repeatedly.) Just be appreciative of what you have. You never know what’s out there. You may perhaps be in a better place, better position. So just relax and be thankful.
Bottomline is, I don’t think I’m ready to move.
It’s a lot of work – since we have a LOT OF STUFF. And just the thought of traveling extra hours and the traffic and the size of the place reduced according to its price, the level of comfort and the new flatmates… couldn’t help but think…
What did I get myself into?
If I hadn’t complain, Sam wouldn’t have the slightest thought of moving.
I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
–
When was the last time?
When was the last time you really had a good laugh? The kind of laughter that does not just last for a few good minutes but hours of fun, not because something funny was thrown in the air but because your spirits have been soaring high that you don’t miss an opportunity to giggle? Even short conversations from strangers makes you burst with joy. You’re a human party popper. Happiness spills naturally. You could not contain it.
When was the last time you lied down in bed and read a really good book? When was the last time you bathe in the sun and played in the water? When was the last time you felt and tasted the fresh salty breeze from the beach running its slender fingers on your hair, easing the tensions from your head down to your shoulders? When was the last time you were excited to go home to start or finish a mind-blowing creative project? When was the last time you really really slept well and just relax and wake up refreshed? When was the last time you spent some time with friends you’ve missed so much, just sharing stories non-stop til daylight. When was the last time you traveled from a different place and explored the unfamiliar corners of its blissful city? When was the last time you told yourself, this – whatever I have at the moment- is just awesome.
If you can’t remember when, then do yourself a favor and get that much needed break.
Like Rainbows 